My Travels (Day 2)

The group awoke bright and early after only a few hours of sleep, before the sun had even gotten itself out of bed to greet the world. Garrett and Matt were just as eager as I was to fulfill the dream that Calvin and Hobbes imparted upon us and without hesitation we set out on the next leg of our journey. We soon began scouring the city of Whitehorse in search of one-dollar scratch lotto tickets and packages of beef jerky. With our gathered funds we bought five thousand of the scratch lotto tickets for our personal use and eighteen pounds of gas station quality beef jerky for later consumption. Taking turns we all bathed in the gas station bathroom and before the attendant could catch on to our scheme we were off, once again driving in our rent-a-car through Whitehorse.

We soon turned ourselves northward and began our 700 mile journey towards the beautiful yet elusive Beaufort sea. With many chants of "Yukon Ho!" and "Onwards and Upwards!" we speedily drove through the frigid northlands of Canada. Somewhere off in the distance would be our home for the next few days, and all of us desperately wanted to set up camp and begin what would obviously be a journey of both the mind and soul. It was a long drive so we brought our collection of eight tracks and cassettes, listening to our fair share of ABBA and Frank Sinatra while we drove. We took turns driving, switching every two hours and forty three minutes to keep ourselves full of energy and those who weren't at the wheel began scratching our lotto tickets, and I don't think I need to explain how exciting scratch lotto parties really are. We were all seeking that big win but for the moment it seemed to elude us, only receiving thirty four free games and a single two dollar ticket from the first seven hundred we scratched. While driving we stopped for gas a few times, filling our tank full of very expensive gasoline and sometimes diesel just to mix it up a little bit. We traveled all the way to the city of Dawson, didn't stop because Dawson is well known as the molestation capital of the world and continued north. Right after we left eagle plains, Garett discovered something amazing, he had won $25,000 on a scratch and lotto ticket. The hurrah's that ensued were deafening and I am sure that the wildlife in the area will never recover from the devastation our rejoicing caused.

Finally, after many arduous hours of driving, we made it to the Beaufort sea and in the word's of Matt "Holy fucking balls this is beautiful as shit." I don't think it could have been said any more eloquent than that. It was four in the afternoon when we arrived and their was almost no daylight left to work with so we hastily set up our tents and established our camp. Using the Igloos for dummies bought on overstock.com that Garrett had wisely bought beforehand we learned to pile snow around our tents to insulate them and by ten that night we had a full fledged lodging equipped with bathroom, kitchen, three bedrooms and a parlor. We slept well that night, the frozen waves of the Beaufort sea lulling us into a wonderful dreamland with the promise of more wonder to come the next day.

My travels (Day 1)

The journey began at 3:30 in the morning on October thirty first, five glorious years after the SPECTACULAR failure of Y2K. I awoke after a restless night, ready to go on this wonderful adventure into the brave new world that is the Yukon territory. I was up so early to make sure I was on time to the airport and sat myself down to enjoy a bowl of delicious captain crunch with crunchberries while looking over for one last time the Calvin and Hobbes book that would be my guide to the wonders of the Yukon. I had packed my single suitcase the night before, filling it with items that would no doubt be extremely important in such a wild and untamed land. I took my monthly shower early, not knowing when the next time I would be able to bathe once more and walked out the door at exactly 3:13. I arrived at the airport slightly before 4:50 ready to be on my way and eager to see what Canada had to offer in the way of carnal pleasures entertainment.

I waited for several hours going through more than a dozen delicious coke-a-cola beverages for my fellow traveling compatriots to arrive at the airport. Matt and Garrett, my traveling amigos, finally did arrive a little after noon, and their was much joyus greetings with handshakes and hurrah's abound, and with great glee did we gather our tickets for our 2:30 flight and prepare for what would be the most epic luggage search ever. After the arduous process and several delays due to Matt's possession of a dozen battery operated "self pleasuring devices" we managed to make it to our terminal with twenty minutes to spare. Not wanting to let the fun fade we soon took out a portable copy of Risk which Matt had brought and began a game of world domination. Luckily due to some extreme strategy and a bit of luck Garrett managed to sweep the table with us just before our row was called to board.

The flight was an epic journey in and of itself, from the knife fight to the noodle eating contest their was hardly a dull moment during the ten hour flight. Not even our brief delay at Vancouver did anything to dampen our spirits, while we were in British Columbia (which is well known as the worst province in good Canada) we still could not be any more excited for the journey. Soon our plane was off once again and within just another few hours we had arrived in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory late that night. After many more Hurrah's and much jubilation among the group we searched for a car rental company and soon found one willing to rent to an eighteen year old. We slept in the car that night, eagerly awaiting the remaining part of our journey.

Why genres of music tend to be completely useless.

Genres of music can be useful to a certain degree, it helps to figure out what kind of music a person likes and you can at least somewhat gauge if a person would like a certain band or not, that is until the internet takes hold of it and warps it into something hideous, a great example of this is Metal and its ridiculous list of genres and subgenres, for example (from wikipedia):

Metal

• Black Metal
  
  
  
  1. Melodic Black Metal
     
  2. Symphonic Black Metal
     
  3. Viking Black Metal
     
  4. Ambient Black Metal
     
  
  
• Death Metal
  
  
  
  1. Brutal Death Metal
     
  2. Melodic Death Metal
     
  3. Technical Death Metal
     
  4. Progressive Death Metal
     
  
  
• Doom Metal
  
  
  
  1. Epic Doom
     
  2. Drone Doom
     
  3. Funeral Doom
     
  
  
• Drone Metal
  
• Folk Metal
  
  
  
  1. Celtic Metal
     
  2. Oriental Metal
     
  3. Medieval Metal
     
  
  
• Glam Metal
  
• Gothic Metal
  
• Groove Metal
  
• Industrial Metal
  
• Metalcore
  
  
  
  1. Mathcore
     
  
  
• Neo-Classical Metal
  
• Nu Metal
  
• Post Metal
  
• Power Metal
  
• Progressive Metal
  
• Sludge Metal
  
  
  
  1. Atmospheric Sludge
     
  2. Southern Sludge
     
  3. Stoner Sludge
     
  
  
• Speed Metal
  
• Stoner Metal
  
• Thrash Metal
  
  And also;
  
  
• Fusion Genres
  
  
  
  1. Altrnative Metal
     
  2. Black Doom
     
  3. Blackened Death Metal
     
  4. Crossover Thrash
     
  5. Death Doom
     
  6. Deathcore
     
  7. Death N' Roll
     
  8. Grindcore
     
  9. Gothic Black Metal
     
  10. Goregrind
      
  11. Industrial Black Metal
      
  12. Melodic Metalcore
      
  13. Neo Classical Metal
      
  14. Stoner Doom
      
  15. Sludge Doom
      
  16. Symphonic Metal
      
  17. Stoner Sludge
      
  18. Viking Metal
      
  
  

Do you know how many of the genres aren't completely bullshit and fabricated? Eight. That's right, eight. Black, Death, Doom, Glam, Metalcore, Nu, Power, and Thrash. And of those, Nu Metal isn't even really metal, it just fucking blows. Why do all of these different genres of metal even exist? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the internet?

Let me run down the genres that really exist:

1. Black
   Eurofags from Norway and Sweden who like to think they are badass for burning down churches and like to wear corpse paint. Black metal is terrible 99% of the time and the 1% that isn't terrible is probably called bullshit by the Blakc Metal community. People who like black metal think that all other forms of metal arent true metal, they will even call bands like metallica non-metal even though they invented metal, in essence black metal is almost always terrible and the fans of black metal are all fucking idiots.
   
2. Death
   Death metal is heavy and fast and awesome, but filled with a bunch of idiots and shitty bands. there are bands like Dimmu Borgir and Amon Amarth are the standard bearers of death metal and they both sucks. Any good death metal bands are labeled by death metal fans as fake, sellouts, ect ect because they dont suck like most death metal bands do. For every metal fan who enjoys Black Dahlia Murder there are a dozen who think Arch Enemy is the greatest thing ever. But, see, the thing is that Arch Enemy is terrible and sounds like kittens getting steamrolled.
   
3. Doom
   If there were emo kids of the metal world, this would be it, its slow and depressing and all of the brutality and energy in metal just dies when people play doom metal, it sucks and so do the people who like it. Corpse paint is for fags.
   
4. Glam
   Glam metal is what metal almost turned into if it weren't for Metallica and Slayer, glam metal bands are the hippies and wimps who wore makeup and had long stupid girl hair and pretended to play heavy metal. Poison and Scorpion almost killed metal and Glam metal is all but dead now which is awesome.
   
5. Metalcore
   There is a reason metalcore is referred to as the pop form of metal, because there are so many bands that dont sound any different than another band its disturbing. There are a ton of awesome metalcore bands that exist contrary to what death and black metal fans say, but for all the good ones there are at least twenty which sound exactly like it. Regardless, metalcore is awesome because it mixes punk and metal and that's just a factory of awesome.
   
6. Nu
   I like to call it mall metal because its for people who like to pretend they listen to heavy music but also like to listen to nickleback and jerk off to Kid Rock. It sucks and its not real metal.
   
7. Power
   Thank you Iron maiden, because now we have metal-hippies, sure dragonforce rules, but seriously power metal isnt all that great. I might listen to a song or two by dragonforce but really, its not that great of a genre and most of the fans are pussies.
   
8. Thrash
   Metallica, Megadeath, Slayer, badass bands that haven't had a new innovation in twenty years. Sure thrash is pretty awesome, but there hasnt been much in the way of interesting thrash metal in about the duration i have been alive.
   

Basically, in the end, genres are pointless. Metal is metal, if it's not awesome and not brutal its not metal, that's how it works. I think Maddox said it best when he said that metal si the only form of music in danger of dying out because all of the fans would kill each other. Its true, I hate 99.9% of metal fans because they are fake useless assholes who like to pretend to be into heavy music but then go home and listen to hawthorne heights and cry about how badly their middleclass life is. Metal should be reserved only for people who understand how awesome it is, metal is the end all be all of human art form, the greatest achievement of mankind outside of bacon, and almost no one understands its greatness. Also, people who dont listen to metal are pussies and should get hit by a bus.

Why Russell Crowe is better than you are

Russell Crowe looks damn fine in a suit. No one looks as damn fine as he does in a suit. Seriously, look at how that motherfucker carries himself, he looks like he just got an award for best motherfucker in a suit then shot the man who gave him the award for looking like a pussy. Russell Crowe is so fearsome in a suit that if he was walking down the street the pavement itself would part ways in fear of him.

Russell Crowe eat's babies. And none of that pussy cooking them first bullshit either, he just eats babies whole like a goddamn man eating walrus of some kind. You bring your babies to Russell Crowe he will devour your kid and then punch you in the mouth for being such a shitty parent. This photo is of Russell Crowe cooking dinner, but instead of cooking he's just planning on sucking that childs brain out through a straw and then calling you a bitch.

Russell Crowe is so damn manly he makes cowboys look like pussies. This is a picture of Russell Crowe sitting next to motherfucking Christian Bale and all you can think is "motherfucking shit does Christian Bale look like a pussy next to Russell Crowe." You know why? because Russell Crowe is all that is and ever will be man. Russell Crowe once ate a whole horse raw just to prove that he could do it, then killed all the witnesses because they were too weak to deal with his manliness. Russell Crowe is cooler than the Holocaust, do you have the balls to argue? I didn't think so.

Russell Crowe spends time with animals. Why does he do this? No one really knows, but what we do know is that he does it better than you. Do you see that dog? That dog is hanging out with Russell Crowe. That dogs balls must be the size of motherfucking grapefruit if Russell Crowe allows it to spend time with him. I once heard a story that Russell Crowe was walking around a Savannah for shits one time when a lion actually bowed in front of him. Obviously Russell Crowe ripped off the lions head and wore it like a hat for the rest of the trip. Russell Crowe is a motherfucking pimp.

Russell Crowe IS the second coming of Jesus, need proof? Watch L.A. Confidential and tell me that man isn't Jesus II. That's right, he's that fucking awesome. Go on, watch it, you'll see that movie, get a raging hardon for Russell Crowe, and realize "son of a bitch, that is Jesus Christ in the flesh" no one that has ever met Russell Crowe has ever walked away an athiest, he is all that is good and holy.

Russell Crowe regularly builds and pilots replica 1600s Spanish Galleons for no better reason than he can. At one point Russell Crowe invaded Guam by himself and burned the whole country to the ground just because he felt like it. Don't believe me? Here is proof: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holocaust#Victims_and_death_toll

Russell Crowe is sexy as shit. Look at this photo and try and tell me you arent turned on. You cant can you, you know why? because he is the best looking person that has ever existed. There has never been a human being as physically attractive as Russell Crowe is, and if there was Russell Crowe would just kill and eat that persons heart to gain all of their powers. Russell Crowe is so sexy he doesn't need porn, if he wanted to beat off he would just look in the mirror and do it. But Russell Crowe doesn't need to beat off because he isn't a worthless bitch like you are, women kill to have sex with him and men wish they could.

Russell Crowe is not bound by time or physics. It is a well known fact that at the end of Gladiator Russell Crowe actually went ot heaven, punched god in the face, and brought his wife and child back to life so he could hang out with them at his pimp mansion. Russell Crowe actually went back in time to the 1950s to research his role for the movie L.A. Confidential, he ended up actually creating the helical model of DNA while he was there out of boredom.

Russell Crowe makes black people laugh. You know why he does that? Because he is fucking awesome as shit. Russell Crowe granted Denzel Washington with his presence one time and Denzel found Russell Crowe to be motherfucking hilarious. Russell Crowe considered becoming a stand up comedian, but he decided against it because he couldn't kill enough people fast enough as a comedian, so he decided to become a pimp instead.

Russell Crowe knows how to do science. Don't believe me? look at those fucking glasses. You don't have glasses like that because only people who do science where those fucking glasses. Russell Crowe does so much motherfucking science on a daily basis that it makes Einstein look like a little bitch. Russell Crowe can be directly linked to inventing everything that is awesome, including but not limited to; Dinosaurs, Gravity, Lasers, Tanks, Jetpacks, Robots, Sharks, and Liquid Nitrogen.